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| Greetings from Ralph |
This is the strangest thing for me. Writing for me is better than seeing a therapist (which, I will freely admit, I have done!). I started writing my newsletter a few years ago and I must say that I'm shocked at how many people actually read it. I post a new column about every month or when I am so moved to do so. When it first comes out about five thousand people read it the first day. I receive letters from people all over the world commenting on my ramblings. Ninty nine per cent of the readers love it. And a few people hate my guts and can't stand what I say. And that's OK! I write about all kinds of stuff but I try to keep it about my business, my travels and my adventures. But I have been known to comment on all kinds of other stuff as well. You are welcome to subscribe to the Newsletter and I swear that I don't sell my list of subscribers to the Jehovah's Witnesses or the makers of Viagra. I also post my newsletter "Archives" for those who want to peruse the hundreds of pages of stuff I've written.
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Thursday, July 22, 2010
In all honesty I've spent the past four months being miserable. As mentioned in my last Newsletter I completely tore my Achilles tendon and underwent major surgery to repair the damn thing. And so I've spent most of that time in a cast and have only recently begun rehab therapy. Please excuse me if I complain as I have no one else to tell my troubles to. And, frankly, my wife is sick (I think) of me although I have done my best to not let on exactly how miserable I've been. With that said, although I've been out of my cast for a week or so, it's like someone taking a knife and driving it deep into my foot every fifteen minutes or so. Further, my foot swells up a few times a day and I am forced to sit with my leg higher then my head and apply ice as often as possible. I've also had to deal with two bouts of gout and an infection in my foot as well. I really have considered having my foot amputated and using a prosthesis but my surgeon wouldn't even listen to my argument. I told him I was depressed. He said "you're not depressed…you're just "bummed out."
I will say that my wife has been incredibly tolerant of my situation and has faithfully served me three meals a day, done the laundry, fed the animals, attended to our daughter and taken over the never ending task of keeping our home and business going. However, I did have to cancel three appearances including two presentations and exhibiting at a show in New Hampshire.
But, in truth, there are lots of people whose lives are a lot worse than mine. This, of course, does not take away from how miserable I've been but I do keep in mind that nothing is so bad that it can't get worse. I'll get through all this and, I pray, that a year from now I'll look back and laugh at my present situation.
So a few weeks ago my wife suggested that she would like to visit her family in Chicago and I felt privileged to be invited along. At this very moment I'm really not certain that she wanted me along as I'm sure she needed a break from taking care of me. None the less, we are presently in Chicago and I am enjoying myself. But it was not easy getting here.
Last Tuesday we drove to the airport and parked at the long term lot as we had done many times in the past. I was wearing my removable cast so the shuttle driver politely pulled into the handicapped section in front of the terminal and let us off the bus. After checking in I asked if I could get a wheel chair to take me to the gate. Keep in mind that there are real advantages to being "physically disabled." We breezed through the security gates and found ourselves at the gate significantly prior to boarding time. After eating a hamburger that contained enough fat to choke a horse the gate agent allowed my family and I to board the plane before other passengers. After settling in we read the in-flight magazines and relaxed as the plane roared down the runway and climbed into the cloudy skies above Albany, NY. The two hour flight was going smoothly for the first hour.
Then the plane took a sudden drop in altitude. The plane continued to descend. I knew something was not right as the "fasten the seat belts" lights came on and the single flight attendant sat down and immediately strapped herself in. Everyone on the plane grew nervous as we all knew we were a long way from Chicago. No messages or announcements came from the cockpit. Down and down we went at a very steep angle. As the ground came closer none of the passengers recognized the terrain. We had no idea where we were. The dramatic descent continued. Fortunately the plane finally touched ground although I was not at all thrilled with the bouncy landing. But at least we were back on the earth.
As we made a hasty bee line toward the terminal the pilot finally announced that the emergency landing was made because a battery was leaking fluids and could have burst into flames. This announcement reminded me of how lucky I am to be alive and I completely forgot about my poor foot crammed against a wall in an awkward and uncomfortable position. Once at the terminal the engines were turned off and the repair team summoned. A half hour later we were told that the plane could be repaired and they were presently searching for a replacement battery.
I don't think there is anything worse than being stuck on a plane waiting for repairs. Having been in a situation where I spent more than four hours strapped to a seat while the mechanics repaired a problem I can assure anyone reading this that it's not fun. So if we had to wait another ten minutes I was fully prepared to declare a medical emergency and demand to get off the plane. Fortunately, laws have recently been passed that required airlines to allow passengers to get off planes that are being repaired.
Fortunately, the pilot came on the intercom and announced that a new battery was being flown in from Chicago and would be here within the hour. He then invited the passengers to get off the plane and relax in the terminal. No one complained and everyone made their way to the terminal. So my family and I wandered inside the airport and I hobbled down to the local bar and had a few fried appetizers and club sodas. An hour later we returned to the gate and were told that the wrong battery was sent and that the correct battery was now being flown in from Newark, New Jersey. But the good people at the gate also gave us vouchers for a free meal so we returned to the bar and had more heavy, fried, fat food. In truth, I felt like a garbage disposal. As I listened to the grumpy sounds of complaining passengers I realized one thing for certain. I wanted the plane fixed correctly. I want it 100%. I don't want any short cuts or "maybe's". I don't care how long it takes I just want to be in an airplane that is completely up to standards.
Finally, nearly five hours later, the plane was ready to go and we all got back onboard and returned to the friendly skies of United. An hour and a half later we landed in Chicago. It was now three AM. I explained to the gate keeper that our ride was not here and would not be able to pick us up until later that day. Fortunately, we were given a free hotel room and their profound apologies. We just had to get down to the baggage area and a shuttle bus would pick us up.
Unfortunately, O'Hare is a huge airport and I made the profoundly stupid mistake of thinking I could walk to the baggage claim area. Nearly an hour later (keep in mind there were no wheelchair attendants at that hour) we finally made it to the shuttle area and were forced to wait another half hour for the bus to arrive. I finally fell asleep as the sun began to brighten the skies over the great city of Chicago. Four hours later we were having a wonderful breakfast buffet at the hotel compliments of United Airlines. Frankly, I made a pig of myself.
Within the hour my sister-in-law picked us up from the hotel. On the way back to her house we stopped for the time honored tradition of Chicago hot dogs. Real hot dogs come with steamed poppy seed buns, mustard, relish, onions and sometimes tomatoes and/or a pickle. Anyone who puts ketchup on a hot dog (especially in Chicago) has a genetic defect. And I am serious about this. Ketchup and hot dogs is closely akin to the antichrist. Both my wife and daughter put ketchup on their hot dogs and had I known that before I married my wife I would have walked away from the alter. Further, part of me feels like a miserable failure because my daughter also loves the Yankees and loves ketchup on her hot dogs as well.
Once at my in-laws home I slept for several hours and did my best to digest horrible fried airport food, overcooked hotel food and hot dogs with extra onions. I didn't sleep that well at all.
I woke late in the afternoon, took a shower and hobbled around the house for a while.
My father in law, god bless him, is a World War II veteran. On the day we arrived in Chicago he, along with ninety other veterans, was on board an Honor Flight for a celebration in Washington, D.C. They left at five in the morning and were due to return at 7:40 that evening. While in DC they toured the various veterans memorial, had lunch and got acquainted with old friends. The trip involved hundreds of volunteers and significant fund raising. On the return flight a "mail call" was held and each veteran was given a stack of mail personally written to him by family friends and supporters. A few days before the honor flight I wrote the following letter to him:
"Dear John,
I want to personally thank you for your efforts to make the world a better and safer place. This morning as I swam in the cool waters of Lake George I realized, as I do every day, that the freedom I so greatly enjoy was provided by you.
I don't imagine that being in a war is a fun experience. And I can only imagine the horror at the loss of friends in a combat situation. I do know that those who were lost in that great conflict are in a better place today and I can also assure you that they and you will not be forgotten. I thank you for being there when our country and your family needed you.
In perfect world there are no wars or violence or aggression or madmen. Unfortunately we do not live in that world. However, because of you and many others, our world is a safer and freer world.
As I looked at your granddaughter sleeping in her bed early this morning I knew that she would have the opportunity to live a long, full life and will be able to enjoy the bounty of our great country. I thank you for your efforts to allow her to have such a great life.
With profound thanks and appreciation,
Your son-in-law,
Dr. Ralph Kylloe, Ed.D."
When my family and I arrived at the airport to greet John more than a thousand other people were there to welcome home their loved ones. American flags were everywhere. An honor guard in full military regalia presented the colors and a thirty piece marching band played patriotic music. A full contingent of bagpipers in traditional outfits played music that brought tears to everyone there. Many service people in uniform were also present and a few hundred veteran "bikers" with flags and cut off jackets were part of the event. It was quite frankly, a moving experience.
As the veterans approached the crowd a mighty cheer went up from the crowd. I then witnessed the most horrible thing I ever saw.
The first veteran to descend the staircase to be welcomed by the crowd was a man probably in his late eighties. He was a slim figure and bounded the first few steps with ease. Each veteran had a personal, active service escort who walked to the side and slightly behind the veteran. The escort was to serve as a personal aid to each of the elderly veterans many of whom were in wheelchairs. The first man to appear wanted nothing to do with his escort and quicken his pace as if to say "I don't need or want any help." The escort stayed right with him but the veteran seemed to push him away and bounded down the stairs ahead of his escort. I knew exactly what was going to happen. With fifteen or so stairs to go the old veteran lost his balance and flew through the air. Screams came from the crowd. The man hit the cement floor head first. The sounds of crushing bones were apparent to everyone. Blood poured from his body and tears and screams filled the room. I was standing behind a four foot fence and could do nothing for the man. He was attended to in seconds by people more qualified than I. The body of the man on the ground shook with tremors. It took about eleven minutes for the ambulance and a stretcher to arrive. The tragedy was made more serene because the veteran was about to receive thanks from his fellow countrymen. It was a scene I shall never forget.
The entrance of the other veterans to the ceremony was slightly delayed and the staircase was blocked because of the accident. The remaining veterans were escorted to the ground floor via elevators. Once the injured man was removed from the hall I went to the end of the receiving line. The band played, flags were waved, applause was continuous and cheers of welcome home reverberated through the hall.
The veterans, all of them old and frail and many of them in wheel chairs, were a distinguished lot. I personally shook hands with each of them. And I thanked each of them for their service. It was something I felt the need to say and do. And although they were all old, each man I shook hands with had a powerful grip and a personal strength for which words could not define. Most of the men had tears in their eyes, as did I. These were men of honor. They were better men than I. I felt like I owed them something I can never repay. I felt like a coward in the face of these men. But on that day I felt incredibly proud to be an American.
The following day I decided that I needed a new suit jacket. So my wife, father-in law and I drove to the local shopping mall and found a men's clothing store that proudly announced "three suits for the price of one!" Once inside it became apparent that you had to buy one suit at a greatly inflated price and you would receive two other suits "free" of change. The first suit I looked at was marked $350. OK…that seemed fair enough. But the next suit was marked $575. And if I wanted that suit I would have to pay that price. The third suit I wanted was a handsome dark business suit. But it was marked $895. And if I wanted these three suits the price would be the highest price marked. And each of the suits including both the jacket and pants, had to be altered for which there was an extra charge. And then there would be the significant charge for professionally packing the suits and shipping them back to Lake George, NY. And of course there were the taxes as well. But all I really wanted was a nice tan sport jacket. And I really just didn't feel like paying $1,500 for three suits that I really didn't need. IN truth, I don't mind paying for quality but the items before me were "no great garments." After giving the situation a few serious thoughts I decided it wasn't right for me. So we left the store and had a few Bloody Mary's, alligator bits and fish and chips at a bar a few doors down the street. Frankly, I was proud of myself for saving $1,500 so I went into the local Bass Pro Shop and bought myself some more fly fishing gear with the money I saved!
All in all I spent a very nice few days with my family. We had several great dinners together and I spent a few hours a day putting worms on hooks so my daughter and a friend could catch small pan fish from the pond behind my in-laws the home where we were staying. Most of the time, however, I sat on the couch with my foot higher than my heart trying to heal myself.
The flight home was, to some degree, non-eventful. The only down side was that we had three gate changes while we waited for the plane and I had to hobble along through the crowds and pray no one bumped into me. And once on the plane we had to sit in the very last row which meant that the seats did not recline. And at ten PM sitting straight up for three hours was not that comfortable.
IMPORTANT NEWS
I've decided to run for president in the 2012 national election. I am forming a new political party appropriately called the Coffee Party. We all want fewer taxes in our lives so here's my platform and this is how I'm going to cut government spending and taxes. Itemized below are my top priorities and proposals, including;
1. Eliminate the Center for Disease Control. People are still sick despite all their efforts.
2. Release half of the people in prisons. And execute most of the remaining inmates.
3. Eliminate Health and Job inspectors (OSHA). They're all over paid and interfere with business.
4. Reduce the military budget by 50%.
5. Get rid of all veterans' benefits.
6. Get rid of Medicare and Medicare.
7. Get rid of the Department of Justice………Let people solve their own problems.
8. Allow offshore drilling and open pit coal mining all across the country thus creating more jobs. This will cheapen the price of energy.
9. Eliminate all benefits for handicapped individuals.
10. Sell off Yellowstone National Park, Central Park in New York and most of the other National Parks as well. Why do we need them?
11. Eliminate all environmental protection laws and inspectors. The water and air is clean enough. So what if a bunch of fish die?
12. Eliminate all support for colleges and universities. If you want to go to college pay for it yourself. Don't expect me to pay your way.
13. Eliminate the National Endowment for the Arts. What do we need them for anyway? It's a complete waste of money.
14. Get rid of the Smithsonian Institution. It's just a bunch of old stuff that collects dust.
15. Forget about the space program. It hasn't helped the average American one bit.
16. Stop funding the National Institute of Health.
17. Forget about border patrols. Let the illegal aliens in. They are cheap labor and do things real American don't or won't do.
18. Completely and forever eliminate welfare and unemployment compensation. You want to eat?.....…get a job.
19. Stop funding research about Global Warming. It's all a big lie created by Al Gore so he and his cronies can make millions of dollars.
20. And get rid of teachers. They aren't doing their jobs and they make too much money. You want your kid educated?……..teach them yourself. And don't expect single people with no kids to have to support schools. No kids…..then no school taxes for childless people.
21. Legalize all presently illegal drugs. If people want to kill themselves that's OK. It will mean less people in prison and less crime.
22. And make smoking legal in all public and private areas. Smoking provides jobs.
23. What do we need the National Weather Service for? So what if it rains?
24. And get rid of National Flood Protection. If you're stupid enough to build your home on a flood plain don't even think about asking me to pay for it when it's washed away.
25. Forget international aid all together. No one supports us so why should we give our hard earned money to a bunch of losers?
26. And forget about government inspectors inspecting and regulating banks and financial institutions. Let them make $ anyway they can. That way they will spend it and make other people rich as well!
So that's it. These are my top proposals for allowing freedom in our country to once again rule. And I have a lot more ideas as well! Once implemented these proposals would put money back in the pockets of all American citizens which is what people seem to be demanding.
But, and please take me seriously on this, we have to decide what kind of a country we really want. It's all fun and games until you need some of the services mentioned above. I have no doubt that government's waste money but it's up to our citizens to figure this out and put an end to it. Frankly, however, I like breathing clean air and drinking clean water. And I want my daughter well educated. And I want to know when a hurricane is going to hit. And I want the veterans taken care of. And I want cancers and other diseases eliminated. And the National Parks are an absolute treasure. I don't want them ruined with condos, gas stations, oil wells and/or strip malls. And I want the god damned criminals in prison. And I don't want drugs sold on street corners and I can't stand cigarettes. And I want airplane inspectors and air traffic safety controllers on the job. And I want our country to be safe and I want justice to prevail. All this doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
So, I have to ask, where should we cut the budget? Please tell me. I am not at all opposed to paying taxes as long as we are fair with everyone and we provide services to keep the population healthy, safe, well educated and free to pursue our dreams.
So, in truth, I don't think I'll vote for myself in the upcoming election. But, strangely enough, there are lots of people who would.
MORE STUFF
I will be exhibiting at the Adirondack Antiques Show at the Adirondack Museum in Blue Mountain Lake, NY., this August 13-15. This is a big time antiques show so if you want to decorate your new home or cabin with rustic treasures please plan on attending the show.
I'm doing a big time book signing at Plonks in Bozeman, Montana, on September 15. This book signing coincides with the release of my book RUSTIC ELEGANCE. I also have another small book coming out this fall titled THE LOG HOME BOOK. This will be a small $25, fun book.
And my book of short stories titled, "SHORT STORIES AND STRANGE THOUGHTS", is finally going to the printer this week so that should be out by the fall as well.
And I am presently hard at work on my mega book titled RUSTIC AMERICA. This will be a monster $150 book and will be on the market in the fall of 2011. And I have another book planned after that and then I'm done. That's it…no more (unless someone really twists my arm.) So that's it.
I find that my Newsletters are coming from my typewriter less and less as time goes by. It's very time consuming to write this stuff and I often wonder if it's worth effort. In truth, on most occasions I would rather spend time with my family than sit at my computer. Maybe I've been in the rustic design business too long. Maybe it's time to figure out what I should finally do when I grow up. Maybe it's time to finally grow up. It's shocking to me when I realize how quick life goes by. I have so many interests' and so many things I'd love to do. And as soon as I'm up on my feet I swear to god that I'm going to do every one of the things I want to do before I die. How's that for optimism for you?
Hope things are well in your life.
Ralph
PS. I am giving everyone in the entire world permission, for this coming Saturday night only,…….…to eat an entire chocolate cake or apple pie all by yourself. And if you're with someone else get them a cake or pie as well. With that thought in mind please consider the idea that your body is not a temple……it's a vehicle to occasionally have fun with. My best to all of you, Ralph
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